Post Three: A Day's Observations

Today I posted something I told Dave on Wednesday.  Selling cars is a tricky business, and while it can be really lucrative, when you're having a bad lull times can really get tough.  Dave switched dealerships in January after a really huge shuffling in management at his first place, and brought the few bad months he'd had with him to his new place.  The past few months have been hard on our finances, especially as we bought a new car and went on vacation.  He's really been beating himself up about not bringing home any more than enough to cover everything, as we're trying to build up our savings and buy some new furniture and a new computer for the spring, and has a tendency to talk himself down.  And I mean really down.  Like "Jessica is going to leave you, you're fat, you're a failure, etc." until eventually he snaps when we have an unexpected expense and our bank account takes a hit.  Wednesday the water bill was due, so I paid it.  He didn't know it was due, and saw that $150 disappeared from the bank account.  He flipped out and an argument ensued.  An argument in which he told me that he knows I'm going to leave him, at which point I pointed out that I've stuck by his side through six years of ups and downs, and that if I haven't left yet, I'm not likely going to leave.  This has been a topic that comes up a lot during our arguments lately, and I think I know why.  His older brother recently informed the family that he and his wife of six years, who were together for a total of ten, are separating.  She no longer thought she wanted to be married, so she moved out and found a place of her own.  This happened about three months after the death of Dave's beloved grandpa, when we noticed that something "wasn't quite right" about their relationship - but no one, NO ONE, saw it coming.  To everyone, they were the perfect couple: he's a rocket scientist (no, seriously.  He's a rocket scientist) and a firefighter (I know, right?  What the hell was she thinking?), and she works for the CIA; they both love dogs and as far as everyone knew, were planning on trying for kids soon; they were insanely active, always hugging and touching, and matched each other in both wit and intelligence.  They had just purchased a gorgeous townhouse outside of D.C. and were remodeling the kitchen.  And then she decided she didn't want to be married anymore.

Dave idolizes his older brothers (a rocket scientist and a Physics instructor - they're real smarty-pants twins) and looked up to both of their seemingly fantastic relationships; Chris and his wife of four years have adorable twin boys, a dog, and a gorgeous home outside of Philadelphia, in Dave's hometown.  So I think that the whole breaking down of Dennis' marriage really freaked him out.  And since we're not married or engaged yet, that makes it only so much easier to leave.  But I'm not going anywhere.

So after we both cooled down (we're both hotheaded, but I'm worse - I can fly off the handle at the smallest provocation) we talked.  And while he didn't tell me all of that other stuff, he finally admitted that he thinks terrible things about himself, and thinks he's a terrible person for not being able to provide a better life for us - - but we're young, really young, I told him, and how many people do you think are working right now just to cover their expenses?  I make great money, and he's not feeling like he can carry his weight.  So I reminded him that he's lucky to HAVE a job - no less than a job with a great company that loves to promote from within!  And the opportunity to make as much money as he can... AND the security of a salary to go with his commission, something he didn't have at his first dealership.  And he agreed with me.  But I needed to say something regarding how he puts himself down.

So I told him something I was thinking about just last week, when I was down in the mouth and beating myself up for forgetting something my boss had specifically asked for at work.  I told myself I was a moron, a complete idiot, a total failure who had fallen on her face in front of her boss... and then, when I felt really terrible, I thought of something else.  When any of my friends are feeling low, would I EVER say anything like those horrible insults to them?  Would I kick them while they were already down?  Would I judge them for something out of their control, or something they honestly had forgotten to do?  No, I thought.  I'd never say anything like that to Michelle, or Dave, or Erin.  I'd never say those things to my brother or my step-sisters.  I'd never dream of saying anything like that to my Mom.  So what right did I have to say those things to myself?  Shouldn't I be my own best friend?  Shouldn't I care about how I feel?  I should be FORGIVING myself, not berating myself.

So I stopped.  I told myself it was okay and just got the paperwork in a few days late, and it wasn't a big deal.  I started trying to look at the bright side of things: there are things I can control and things I cannot control.  I will never be able to control how my Mom treats me, and it hurts.  I worry about it far too much.  But I've got people I can talk to, who will listen to me, and instead of beating myself up for not being the person my Mom would be able to want to be close with, I can thank myself for being the kind of person my friends and boyfriend love.

So today I posted that little thing as my Facebook status, and while not many responded, the people I love most did - my friends.  Granted, they responded with quotes from the movie "Mean Girls," but that's just something we do.  And I thought, should I beat myself up for eating McDonalds this morning, or just HAVING to have pizza tonight? or should I thank myself for having friends who make me laugh?  I chose to thank myself.

And then quote Gretchen Weiners.